Here are some of my thoughts and reflections on being a new mom...this entry has been a work in progress for some time now. I had intended to never publish this, it was more of a way for me to deal and cope with the overwhelming feelings I had as a new parent...but I thought why not throw it out there and you can take it for what it's worth :)
We are adjusting to life with Mason...we love him so very much and have no regrets. This was a planned pregnancy but nothing...and I mean nothing...fully prepares you for the life changes that hit you like a brick wall once they are born. In retrospect, I wish someone had told me these things. The first week home, I even had a few days that I was upset with my family and friends for not warning me how hard this is (mind you, hormones were completely crazy then)...but after I thought about it more, I'm not sure it would have made a difference...maybe you have to live through it first before you
really understand? It's only been a few months but I have a new appreciation for my parents and anyone who is a parent...because this is NOT easy...not even close.
Breastfeeding is extremely hard and stressful. Everyone tells you this but it was so much worse than I ever imagined. I can't count the number of times I wanted to quit or the number of crying sessions I've had over this...when will my milk come in, am I producing enough, is he eating enough, is he latching properly, when will it stop hurting? This constant worry and obsession is exhausting. And it's so time consuming too, especially when you have a baby that falls asleep very quickly and doesn't wake up, no matter what you try...you then spend most of your day and/or night nursing. And don't even get me started on pumping...even more time consuming when you are both feeding bottles and pumping during the day by yourself...it's completely worth the bonding time, health benefits for both mom and baby and the huge cost savings...but I feel like that's all I do some days.
You will mourn your past life. This was something I was completely unprepared for. I thought we were both fully prepared to become a family of 4 and completely ready for him...but in times of stress and lack of sleep, you will think about your old life and want it back...then overwhelming feelings of guilt for even thinking that way rushes over you. And these moments come and go with no warning...you could be sitting in the McDonald's drive-thru and have a complete meltdown...
Sleep depravation = HELL. That word is actually an understatement. This lack of sleep, along with night time fussiness, will make you want to rip your hair out and scream at your baby to stop crying. I have never been more frustrated in my life then in those early morning hours when he won't stop crying and nothing you are doing seems to calm him. In my case, it leads to full out ugly crying sob sessions at 4am that your husband hears over the baby monitor and comes rushing in, thinking something bad has happened.
It can take you an entire day to do a load of laundry or get one household chore done...it is crazy how much longer it takes to get things done with a newborn in the house...their constant need of your attention takes some getting used to. Or getting out to run an errand could take you 2 weeks to get there...you can no longer just run to the store...you either have to pack up the nursery and go...or plan the trip around feeding times and when someone is home to watch him. Just trying to schedule a simple dentist appointment had me stressed out. I also tend to only visit places with a drive thru (especially in the winter)...I'm so glad the subway near our house has one...some days, I just need to get out of the house for a few minutes and that is where Mason and I go.
Childbirth sucks and it hurts really, really bad...the most painful thing I've ever felt. Don't listen to mothers who say it wasn't that bad, they are either lying or have amnesia. I had to get an epidural because my body was not ready and the contractions became unbearable. And while epidurals take the edge off the pain, it is not completely pain free either. I had a good epidural (head of anesthesiology did mine) and I still felt everything, I just wasn't in extreme pain. Was the epidural worth it? Hells yeah...I won't hesitate to do it again. Would I go through childbirth again? In a heartbeat. Bottom line...it sucks but worth it.
Things don't always go according to plan. I never really had a birth plan per se...I had an idea of how I would like things to go...but I told my doctor my official plan was "to roll with the punches" and I trusted she would help me make the right decisions with whatever came our way. I didn't want this idealistic fantasy in my head of how things would play out, just to be disappointed when it didn't turn out that way. All I can say is that everything that did happen was NOT in my birth plan. And I think once you experience a delivery like mine, you can't help but mentally roll your eyes when you hear/see the word birth plan. While I understand the importance of them (I get it, I'm type A too)...I just don't personally see the value in them anymore...there were a lot things that I wish never happened or that I didn't get to do, like feed my son colostrum within an hour of being born...they did pump me once I was in recovery and fed it to him via a dropper...at the end of the day, all that really matters is that he got the liquid gold, even if it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. My birth story is what it is and we did the best we could with the circumstances we were given...and I'm at peace with that and the decisions we made. I think having said birth plan would have interfered with finding that closure.
Along the same lines, I think my jadedness (is that even a word?) of birth plans comes from the fact I wasn't aware of how serious things can turn and the risks associated with inductions and preeclampsia. We spent $110 on an all day birthing class that never brought up these topics or risks once. We spent 95% of the day, assuming an uncomplicated birth scenario...and we spent the other 5% talking about c-sections. And maybe I should have been more diligent about researching during my pregnancy or maybe I should have been asking better questions to my doctor...either way, with inductions and c-sections on a significant rise in this country, I feel they were not given the attention they deserved in that class. And I had no idea how common hemorrhaging is...since my experience, it seems like everyone I've told my story to has a friend or relative or co-worker with a very similar birth story...and when I lurked on my birth month boards, there are many other women who had similar situations.
The milestones are bittersweet. You tell yourself "if I can just make it until X, then it will get better"...yet when the day X arrives, you are relieved and sad at the same time...because while it might mean more sleep or less worry, it also means your baby is one step closer to being an infant, a toddler, a preschooler or high schooler. And you'll never get that time back with them. Never. I try to remember that when it's 2am, I'm on little sleep and I have a crabby baby in my arms.
Raising a child is really trial and error...just keep trying until you find something that works...sounds simple, right? HA, just you wait :)
And lastly and most importantly, no one can describe to you how fast and how deeply you will fall in love with your child. I thought we had a special connection with him growing inside of me for 9 months...but the love you feel once you see and hold that little one, is beyond any words. It's magical and something I will never forget. And seeing them sleep in your arms or stare up at you or smile when you walk into the room...makes the good, the bad and the ugly all worth while. Yeah, there have been some surprises in this adventure...but I now understand why this is the hardest job you'll ever have...and yet the most rewarding (as cliché as that is, it's true). He is worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears I've shed and will continue to shed on this journey. Every single one.
