sleep training...

...sucks!

I hate every single second of it. I know it's for his own good but seriously, it's the worst 30 minutes of my day. We started last Friday night and he cried for 30 minutes before finally passing out, sitting up with his head propped in the corner of his bed. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. Saturday night was not any better...and he didn't pass out. By Sunday night, I was done...we caved and I nursed and rocked him to sleep that night. In fact, I think I spent most of the night in the chair with him...I felt so incredibly guilty. The naps over the weekend were a little easier but it still took 20 minutes of crying. My poor baby, he napped for almost 2 hours on Saturday...he must have been exhausted from the trauma we forced upon on the night before.

In those moments, I have never felt so helpless, so heartless, so cold...and so full of self doubt, wondering if I'm cut out to actually be a parent because this will not be the hardest thing I'll have to do ever...not even by a long shot.

On Monday morning, I talked with Mason's teacher about what we were doing and she was on full board, ready to deal with a screaming baby twice a day at nap times. Monday and Tuesday were a little rough both at school and going to sleep at night. By Wednesday, it did start to get a little easier. On Thursday, he cried for a few minutes but I laid him on his belly, rubbed his back and gave him his music seahorse and a few minutes later, he was out. He only woke up once but he woke up coughing...Joe went into calm him down and I grabbed some water. He drank a little water and after a few minutes of back rubs, he was back out until 6:15 this morning! He basically slept through the night....he hasn't done that since he was 5 months old and I can count on ONE hand the number of nights he's done this in his short 11 months on this earth. It was a dream.

Tonight, I nursed and fed him his bottle and laid him in his crib, still half awake. I turned him over, gave him his seahorse and rubbed his back. Out again. I heard him wake and coo over the baby monitor for a few minutes after I had left but he has been  sleeping since.

Seriously, where did Mason go? Did someone swap my baby? For a little man who has fought sleep and naps his entire life, I'm shocked at what a difference a week makes. He takes his naps quite easily now, he will fuss in his crib but after a quick back rub, he's out. And he's napping for 1+ hours, which is UNHEARD of in this household.

Part of me wishes we had started this sooner...yet part of me knows he wasn't ready before. And we probably weren't either. But whether it was intuition or just being fed up with his crappy sleep patterns, I knew it was time and even though it has been the hardest week yet, I'm glad we did it and stayed strong and didn't give up. I just hope this continues!

It's hard to believe we actually did this...no books, no special techniques and no rhyme or reason for what we did and didn't do. We just did, without thinking...and followed our gut, knowing our baby better than any doctor, teacher or author could ever know. And at the end of it all, one of the greatest lessons I continue to learn over and over again...that parenthood is not a science and is never black and white. But if follow your intuition, you can't fail at this. It's not possible.

who are these people?

Ever look at a picture of yourself and wonder who that person is? I had that moment not too long ago when Joe found this old picture of us on his phone. I couldn't take my eyes off this photo...it hit me like a brick wall.

This was taken when we went to musical Wicked during the first year we were dating. I know this was only 4 years ago but when I look at this girl, I don't even recognize her. So much has happened since then, with many high highs and many low lows. If you had asked this girl where she would be in 5 years, I don't think it would have looked quite like it's turned out...but I'm a strong believer that life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to and I have no doubts I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

We look so young, so full of energy and life with so many possibilities in front of us. It's really weird to look at pictures of yourself before your children were born. Mason wasn't even a thought when this photo was taken...and now I can't even remember who I was before he was born. His existence has transformed my existence and everything I do is centered around him. It's truly amazing how much your life changes once you have a baby...your whole identity changes without you even realizing it has. I think as new moms, you just focus on getting through the current situation, whether it be lack of sleep, colds, teething, etc and not even realize how you've changed, how you've grown, how you've become someone else.

Like I said...it's so surreal to look at photos of yourself before your children were born...

a day in the life of a working mom...

I wish every 16 year old could walk in the shoes of a working mom...I guarantee they would think twice about taking the risk. This life is exhausting...I can barely do this at 30, I can't imagine doing this as the selfish, spoiled teenager I once was. Want to know what a typical day is like for Laura?

5:15 am - Wake up (after snoozing for 15 minutes) and shower
5:45 am - Eat Breakfast, let Shiloh out, pack lunches and bags for the day
6:00 am - Wake up Mason, change/dress him, nurse him
6:25 am - Wake up Joe and finish getting ready
6:45 am - Pulling out of the driveway
7:05 am - Arrive at daycare
7:20 am - Leave daycare and drive to work
7:30 am - Arrive at my desk and start work
10:30 am - Pump
3:00 pm - Pump
4:15 pm - Pack up my desk and leave
4:30 pm - Arrive at daycare
4:45 pm - Head for home
5:10 pm - Unpack van and go inside
5:15 pm - Play with Mason, while attempting to put together a dinner for us
6:00 pm - Joe arrives at home and we eat, usually while I'm nursing Mason
6:30 pm - Entertain Mason or clean up kitchen/dishes while Joe plays with him
7:00 pm - Bath time
7:30 pm - Nurse and rock to sleep
8:00 pm - Put Mason in crib (I usually cat nap while rocking him)
8:15 pm - After taking a breather for a few minutes, then my next hour will include any of the following: laundry, wash diapers, load/unload dishwasher, pick up house, fold laundry and diapers, prepare bottles and baby food for daycare the next day, etc.
9:30 pm - Catch up on a DVR show or two we've missed and get ready for bed (some nights I skip this and opt for an extra hour of snoozing, if the little one lets me!)
10:30 pm - Head hits pillow, I'm out
1:30 am - Wake up to pump
2:00 am - Go back to sleep until alarm goes off at 5am and start all over again

And I wonder why I can't find time to get to the gym, finish all my housework, work on the landscaping outside, update my blog, take a nap...my day is already jam packed! Now that it's nice out, I'm hoping we can now go for walks after dinner so that should help with the exercise I've been lacking. Also I need this blog post to remind myself that when the baby itch comes around again, that I don't suffer from amensia and know that I'm really ready to tackle this all over again :)

the things they don't tell you...

Here are some of my thoughts and reflections on being a new mom...this entry has been a work in progress for some time now. I had intended to never publish this, it was more of a way for me to deal and cope with the overwhelming feelings I had as a new parent...but I thought why not throw it out there and you can take it for what it's worth :)

We are adjusting to life with Mason...we love him so very much and have no regrets. This was a planned pregnancy but nothing...and I mean nothing...fully prepares you for the life changes that hit you like a brick wall once they are born. In retrospect, I wish someone had told me these things. The first week home, I even had a few days that I was upset with my family and friends for not warning me how hard this is (mind you, hormones were completely crazy then)...but after I thought about it more, I'm not sure it would have made a difference...maybe you have to live through it first before you really understand? It's only been a few months but I have a new appreciation for my parents and anyone who is a parent...because this is NOT easy...not even close.

Breastfeeding is extremely hard and stressful. Everyone tells you this but it was so much worse than I ever imagined. I can't count the number of times I wanted to quit or the number of crying sessions I've had over this...when will my milk come in, am I producing enough, is he eating enough, is he latching properly, when will it stop hurting? This constant worry and obsession is exhausting. And it's so time consuming too, especially when you have a baby that falls asleep very quickly and doesn't wake up, no matter what you try...you then spend most of your day and/or night nursing. And don't even get me started on pumping...even more time consuming when you are both feeding bottles and pumping during the day by yourself...it's completely worth the bonding time, health benefits for both mom and baby and the huge cost savings...but I feel like that's all I do some days.

You will mourn your past life. This was something I was completely unprepared for. I thought we were both fully prepared to become a family of 4 and completely ready for him...but in times of stress and lack of sleep, you will think about your old life and want it back...then overwhelming feelings of guilt for even thinking that way rushes over you. And these moments come and go with no warning...you could be sitting in the McDonald's drive-thru and have a complete meltdown...

Sleep depravation = HELL. That word is actually an understatement. This lack of sleep, along with night time fussiness, will make you want to rip your hair out and scream at your baby to stop crying. I have never been more frustrated in my life then in those early morning hours when he won't stop crying and nothing you are doing seems to calm him. In my case, it leads to full out ugly crying sob sessions at 4am that your husband hears over the baby monitor and comes rushing in, thinking something bad has happened.

It can take you an entire day to do a load of laundry or get one household chore done...it is crazy how much longer it takes to get things done with a newborn in the house...their constant need of your attention takes some getting used to. Or getting out to run an errand could take you 2 weeks to get there...you can no longer just run to the store...you either have to pack up the nursery and go...or plan the trip around feeding times and when someone is home to watch him. Just trying to schedule a simple dentist appointment had me stressed out. I also tend to only visit places with a drive thru (especially in the winter)...I'm so glad the subway near our house has one...some days, I just need to get out of the house for a few minutes and that is where Mason and I go.

Childbirth sucks and it hurts really, really bad...the most painful thing I've ever felt. Don't listen to mothers who say it wasn't that bad, they are either lying or have amnesia. I had to get an epidural because my body was not ready and the contractions became unbearable. And while epidurals take the edge off the pain, it is not completely pain free either. I had a good epidural (head of anesthesiology did mine) and I still felt everything, I just wasn't in extreme pain. Was the epidural worth it? Hells yeah...I won't hesitate to do it again. Would I go through childbirth again? In a heartbeat. Bottom line...it sucks but worth it.

Things don't always go according to plan. I never really had a birth plan per se...I had an idea of how I would like things to go...but I told my doctor my official plan was "to roll with the punches" and I trusted she would help me make the right decisions with whatever came our way. I didn't want this idealistic fantasy in my head of how things would play out, just to be disappointed when it didn't turn out that way. All I can say is that everything that did happen was NOT in my birth plan. And I think once you experience a delivery like mine, you can't help but mentally roll your eyes when you hear/see the word birth plan. While I understand the importance of them (I get it, I'm type A too)...I just don't personally see the value in them anymore...there were a lot things that I wish never happened or that I didn't get to do, like feed my son colostrum within an hour of being born...they did pump me once I was in recovery and fed it to him via a dropper...at the end of the day, all that really matters is that he got the liquid gold, even if it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. My birth story is what it is and we did the best we could with the circumstances we were given...and I'm at peace with that and the decisions we made. I think having said birth plan would have interfered with finding that closure.

Along the same lines, I think my jadedness (is that even a word?) of birth plans comes from the fact I wasn't aware of how serious things can turn and the risks associated with inductions and preeclampsia. We spent $110 on an all day birthing class that never brought up these topics or risks once. We spent 95% of the day, assuming an uncomplicated birth scenario...and we spent the other 5% talking about c-sections. And maybe I should have been more diligent about researching during my pregnancy or maybe I should have been asking better questions to my doctor...either way, with inductions and c-sections on a significant rise in this country, I feel they were not given the attention they deserved in that class. And I had no idea how common hemorrhaging is...since my experience, it seems like everyone I've told my story to has a friend or relative or co-worker with a very similar birth story...and when I lurked on my birth month boards, there are many other women who had similar situations.

The milestones are bittersweet. You tell yourself "if I can just make it until X, then it will get better"...yet when the day X arrives, you are relieved and sad at the same time...because while it might mean more sleep or less worry, it also means your baby is one step closer to being an infant, a toddler, a preschooler or high schooler. And you'll never get that time back with them. Never. I try to remember that when it's 2am, I'm on little sleep and I have a crabby baby in my arms.

Raising a child is really trial and error...just keep trying until you find something that works...sounds simple, right? HA, just you wait :)

And lastly and most importantly, no one can describe to you how fast and how deeply you will fall in love with your child. I thought we had a special connection with him growing inside of me for 9 months...but the love you feel once you see and hold that little one, is beyond any words. It's magical and something I will never forget. And seeing them sleep in your arms or stare up at you or smile when you walk into the room...makes the good, the bad and the ugly all worth while. Yeah, there have been some surprises in this adventure...but I now understand why this is the hardest job you'll ever have...and yet the most rewarding (as cliché as that is, it's true). He is worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears I've shed and will continue to shed on this journey. Every single one.

food for thought...

I found some other blog entries that I thought were good and would share...I've posted the parts that really hit home for me...I wish I could write as elegant as these ladies do...they just take everything I've been feeling and sum it up so well!

Seize The Day (Even If It Starts At 5a.m.)

Life is always changing, moving, evolving. From one moment to the next I have found myself feeling all-consuming love my for child...followed by a burning frustration that can only come from the exhaustion of parenting. And if you have felt that, no, when you feel that, take a breath and remember this:  For all the things that will come with time…like sleep, seated meals, a breast without a child attached to it…there are so many more that will be gone forever.

Things you won’t do again:

Hold THIS baby, in this way.

Be able to comfort anyone the way you can comfort this child right now.

Be a new mom.

Be a new mom to your second child. Or third.

Eventually, your child will sleep, will eat, will have all their teeth. Or at least that's what people tell me.

But the moment you are in, with the child you are holding, the feeling you are feeling, is never going to be back to exactly the way it is now.

A Must-Not Read

As soon as you find the book, or even the sentence or chapter, that makes you feel like a moron who should never have been entrusted with the life of a child, stop reading. For you and your child, that book is absolutely unimportant. I don’t care how many of your friends recommended it, I don’t care how many letters are behind the name of the author. That book is not the book for you. Naturally, there are things we can learn from people we may not agree with, but when it comes to motherhood I’ve found that confidence is much more than half the battle. You are the expert on your baby, your baby is the best teacher you can find. There are probably tips that can help you understand your baby’s lessons a bit more clearly, but as soon as your research turns into an exercise in destroying your self-esteem, class dismissed.

And if you feel like crying, read this entry a woman wrote for her 1 year old daughter on her birthday...so incredibly sweet...

One Year Old

sleep...what is that again?

For all the moms out there and for those who will be someday...I thought this blog was worth sharing and reminding us on those horrible, horrible nights...that we aren't alone. I was relieved to know I'm not the only mother in the world that has dropped more swear words than I'm willing to admit and screamed into a pillow during a sleepless night of fussing....nothing (and I really mean nothing) will ever prepare you for this adventure...and it won't always be easy, but then again, nothing worth having ever is.

Taken from: Ain't No Mom Jeans Blog

Brief historical overview of my feelings about "sleep training" (a phrase which I have since come to hate):

Before I Had A Baby: "Oh yes, I will sleep train, my baby will cry it out, I must preserve my night time or I will go insane!"

Shortly After Having A Baby: "I could never, in a million trillion zillion years, listen to my baby cry or fuss in her crib without me because my heart will simply break of sadness! I can live on less sleep than any other human organism if I have to!"

Eight Months Later: "We might have to try and sort of maybe kind of work on her sleeping habits a teeny bit because me and my boobies need some sleep more sleep never enough sleep I'm tired."

Today: "What we're doing is working...but we're not doing anything...and sometimes it doesn't work. Awww crap she won't be a baby forever bring me a caffeinated beverage."

After I had the baby, I was really shocked at how quickly people started asking things like "how does she sleep?" "is she a good sleeper?' "is she sleeping through the night yet?" And in all those questions, both consciously and subconsciously, people were judging. Rating. Assessing. My answers to those questions, I began to realize, supposedly revealed the personality of my baby, the style of my parenting, my mettle as a mother.

There are, I think, a few babies that sleep so much and so easily and nothing ever happens to change that and their mother likes to talk about it all the time so much never stopping:  'Oh little Jo-Jo is such a good sleeper, I just made sure to do x, y and z from day one and that was all I had to do and now I am always well rested and on the ball!'

Maybe those babies are as rare as an ivory-billed woodpecker, or perhaps they are more like...unicorns (and/or the mothers are more like embellishers of the truth).

Either way, if your baby isn't like little Jo-Jo take heart in knowing you are not alone. Not by a long shot. 

From what I've discerned, most babies are kind of just somewhere in the middle of the unicorn-always-sleeps and the nightmare-never-sleeps. Grows in and out of stages, starts to sleep better, finally takes to the crib, gets a tooth, gets a cold, gets over it, sleeps better, has a bad night, has a bad week, and so on and so on until suddenly the baby is some kind of teenager and you can't get it out of bed in the morning to save your life.

My attitude towards the baby's sleep habits is actually a point of pride for me as a mother. Overall, Dave and I have been really intuitive in our approach. We kept her in our room until the sounds of her sleeping kept us up, and the sounds of us sleeping woke her up. We let her sleep in our bed for stretches of each night and some mornings for as long as we/she wanted...and then we didn't anymore. We swaddled until she was rolling, which led us to discover she was a stomach sleeper. We rocked her to sleep for naps. I nursed her to sleep for bedtime. We moved her bed time when she gave us signals, we answered her call (screams) through sleep regressions and growth spurts and new teeth and stomach pain. We did whatever was working and stopped what wasn't. Sometimes it took us a while to figure out what that meant. Not simple, but usually effective.

And gradually, steadily, the amount of sleep we got did improve. Does improve. Sleep deprived parents of new babies make bargains: If we could only sleep 2 hours straight/4 hours straight/6 hours straight during this blasted growth spurt/tooth/cold oh my god child...then we'd be better able to cope. If we could only have a few hours to ourselves in the evening. If I could sleep all the way through the night...just once.

Now, despite all this very calm, intuitive, perspective driven parenting we've done, I'd be a lying liar if I didn't tell you that in the dark, deep, depths of the night after hourly wakings or endless fussing I have said some very, very bad things. Things said out of frustration and exhaustion and fear that I'm doing this all wrong. F-bombs have been dropped, pillows have been on the receiving end of my screams, unfair accusations have been hurled between Dave and I as we blame each other for everything, anything and mostly our own sleeplessness. Those nights are the worst. And yet somehow, even after those nights, you wake up in the morning and things are fine. Caffeine exists and your baby is the cutest ever born and your spouse is your partner not your enemy.

Overall, we don't complain about the sleep habits of our child because we know there is always someone going through something worse. Most nights, at this point, she only wakes once. Most times, we lay her in bed awake and she just talks herself to sleep. But I also don't brag, because other times she is up over and over all night long, needs to be rocked into a coma and set down gently like a bomb about to go off. I don't know what this means or how we did it. So we try not to boast or bemoan...just in case jinxes are real.

I don't know the best way to help you help your baby to sleep more, other than to trust your gut. If something feels wrong, don't do it. If it feels right, do it. If something works for months but then isn't anymore, move on. If the methods/books/incantations that your friends swear by don't work for you, forget it. If you're tired, that's normal. If you're afraid you're never going to sleep again, you're not alone but you are mistaken. So I'm told.

I do know the truth about all those premature, nosey, judging questions about how much your baby sleeps. They don't mean anything.

If your baby sleeps well and easily I am honestly so happy for you, but it doesn't mean you are better mother than the rest or that your baby is 'good'. It means your baby is relaxed and you are lucky.

If you have a baby who is trying to kill you slowly by fighting sleep at every turn, it does not mean you are a bad mother or that your baby is 'difficult'. It means your baby is spirited and you are going to laugh about this someday. 

That's it. Move on. No more internal dialogue on failure, that's the exhaustion talking.