I went back to work on Monday, a day any working mom dreads. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I bawled my eyes out the first 15 minutes driving to work. And there was nothing familiar about that morning either. The routine was different, I had to think about feeding a baby, making sure he was set for the day with clean diapers and bottles, and I had everything I needed for pumping at work. I also was driving the van because last week, my power steering on my car went out on my way to the doctor's office. Once I got it parked, I turned it off and back on again and it was fine. Joe has been driving it since with no issues (including a hour one way trip to his buddy's house on Saturday to help him put siding on his shed). But Joe insists I drive the van until we can get it looked at. Then my regular radio morning show was different, one of the DJ's left in October and it's not even close to being the same...this was only thing that got me through the hellish 45+ minute commute to work. Once I got to work, I had to unpack my things in a new office. The day I was induced was the day I was moving to a different office. There was nothing that morning that had any familiarity...nothing that I could cling to, on one of the hardest days of my life. Normally these things wouldn't bother me...but on an emotionally supercharged day like Monday, those little things made me feel like I was spiraling out of control. And then you throw in the guilt of leaving your child for that long and wondering how is he ever going to survive without you? UGH, I'm glad that day is over.
We paid for it that night though. He was super fussy when I got home and we finally got him sleeping by 9:00 or so. Joe and I got to bed around 10:00. At midnight, he woke up so I fed and changed him...we had agreed our new nighttime routine would be that I would take care of feeding/changing him, then Joe would get up to do the rocking and getting this little boy to sleep so we both could hopefully get a decent amount of sleep. However, he was not very interested in eating at all, I tried a few times throughout the night and he would eat a few minutes and then pass out. But as soon as I laid him in his crib, he would wake up and cry. I'd try feeding him again and the same thing would happen. When I could no longer keep my eyes open, I passed him on to Joe to try...but he just cried and fussed for him. Finally at 5am, he passed out from exhaustion of fighting sleep for so long. Joe and I took power naps from 5-6 before getting ready for the day. I think he truly missed his mama...and just needed me to be near him that night. Which made me feel so incredibly loved but at the same time, completely frustrated because I was freaking tired!
Since then, we've had much better nights (and I would LOVE a STTN anytime soon. Mr. Mason!) and it's been easier to leave him...and he is doing just fine without me. I know he misses me but I also know this is just the first of many, many times I will need to cut the cord and let him grow and learn and be on his own. UGH. Parenting is so tough...I understand why my parents had such a hard time letting go, you just want to be there to protect them from everything.
One awesome thing is Joe has been making my lunches all week. While I'm feeding and rocking Mason to sleep right before bed, Joe has been going into the kitchen and packing my lunch stuff for me so there is one less thing for me to do before going to bed. So incredibly sweet and a such nice change, since I've been doing the lunch packing for the past 3 years. Just one of the many reasons I love this man, I'm so lucky to have him.
